I just want to know that you still care. That I actually mean something to you & your feelings for me are still there.. somehow. Because you hardly show it nowadays. Ever. Not through actions nor words. & I miss that. I miss you.
The hardest part about always being strong? About being known as someone who has a good head on their shoulders & shows no vulnerability? Who shows only those emotions that they are willing to show & proves to people that it is possible to get through the inevitable?
The hardest part.. is that everyone expects you to be that way all the time. Even when your own world is falling apart.
When I lay here thinking, reminiscing, I can’t help but think of those late night conversations through text or through the phone. Those conversations that made me smile and laugh, and even blush and made me speechless. Those conversations that lasted super late at night or all night long, and time just didn’t matter as long as we were talking to each other. Those conversations where we fell asleep on the phone, and I would wake up to your quiet breathing because no one had hung up. Those conversations that are so special and I can still remember the sweetest things you said to me. Where did those nights go?.. They feel so far away. Laying here in bed now, I sometimes wonder if those nights even really happened, or if I had just dreamt them all up.
I’ve noticed.. that I can never stay mad or upset at you for very long. Ever. Whenever I’m with you or see you, anything that I wanted to say to you when I feel mad or upset just disappears. They go away and cease to exist. You have that sort of effect on me; where you take those emotions from me just from the simplicity of your presence, and send them off far from where we are. And then it’s just us again. Me, you, and whatever adventure awaits us. I don’t know whether I love or hate that. Because at the time, I had those emotions for a reason. I was mad or upset for a reason. And I wanted to let you know about it. I wanted to show you that I was hurt. But how can I even begin to tell you when you take my breath away? When I don’t have the chance to tell you because I’m too busy smiling when I see you, laughing at your ridiculous humor, and getting butterflies in my stomach at your touch? That doesn’t seem very fair. And at the same time, I love the feeling of my troubles evaporating because of you. As if I don’t have a care in the world as long as I’m with you.
But somehow, someway, my thoughts always manage to find their way back to you.
I’m proud of her, extremely proud of her, for who she’s becoming. We’re actually way more alike than I thought we were. Heh who would’ve thought right? She’s like me in so many ways, it’s kind of interesting. There’s a deeper side to her, that I always knew, but damn. I’m still learning more about her, and getting to watch her grow up.. she definitely has a strong head on her shoulders. She’s cautious, responsible, intelligent, and very mature and wise for her age. She writes too, just like I do. The friends she has right now are amazing and I hope she sticks with them. I feel like she’s growing up so fast nowadays. But the thing is, same goes for me. We both are. I’ll be graduating college soon and moving on to bigger and better things. I hope that when that time comes, she will still be the responsible and appreciative sister she’s grown to be. Even for such a huge age gap between up, we’re very close, & I hope that never changes.